Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Shoot me NOW

I've tried to be a nice person, I've tried to be compassionate, but I simply cannot stand B!

B is an English teacher who has had several nervous breakdowns over the years. The most recent one was about a year ago, while he was my supervisor. He stayed at home for about 10 months. 2 months ago he returned to school for "rehabilitation". He teaches no classes, he does NOTHING, he sits beside me.

My list of grievances:

**RIGHT NOW he is eating. When he eats he does it in supersonic speed. A bunwich is gone in less than 3 seconds. While chomping away he breathes really heavily. He takes a big bite, chews twice *his mouth is still full, he has not swallowed anything* and then he takes another huge ass bite. It makes me want to vomit. The worst part is that he always buys 2 bunwiches and he always eats them right after each other, in less than 10 seconds. And this is before 10am. Then I have to listen to him eat his lunch at noon!

**He is a chain smoker. Having NO classes and NOTHING to do means he can take 10 smoke breaks a day. I'm not even exaggerating. Lucky for me, the smoke room is way on the other side of the school, so it gets him out of my sight for 10 minutes at a time, 10 times a day. The nasty ass part is that when he returns he STINKS like the bottom of an ashtray. He always puts in a fresh piece of gum *thank god* but all that does is make the smoke smell slightly minty. He has ruined that gum for me. I can't buy it. I can't enjoy the minty goodness, it will always remind me of smoke.

**He is really short and the most stubby person I have ever seen. But that really isn't a complaint, it's just me being petty.

**Yesterday was a day of exams. So nobody had classes but most teachers were really busy with grading. He says to me,"Do you not have papers to grade?" Knowing full well that I did not give a test. I give oral tests you jackass. Remember? Back when you were an actual teacher? We taught OC together?? Anyway, back on topic...being the kind-hearted person that I am, I replied with, "No, how about you? Do you have papers to grade?" Of course, I know he has no papers to grade, that would require having classes to teach. Or it would require one of the other English teachers actually giving him work to do. (They don't, because he is too "fragile"). Anyway, so he laughs at me and says,"No". Yeah, that's right fucker, we both have nothing to do today so why bring it up?

**JESUS CHRIST there is a third bunwich thing. He just brought it out...now it's gone. The smell is going to make me vomit. Corn and ketchup and some diseased piece of hot dog wannabe. Kill me.

**He bought an Ipod and listens to it sometimes at work. I want an Ipod, fucker.

**He reads the Daily Yomuri like his life depends on it. The other teachers are working their asses off and he sits there reading the paper for at least an hour everyday. I guess it's acceptable when you have NOTHING to do and teach NO CLASSES. At least make it look like you are working, that's what I do.

**He's fucking annoying when he's drunk at enkais. He insists on talking to me about Japanese politics. I don't give a shit about Koizumi or postal privatization and I really don't want to smell your beer/mintysmoke/wasabi combo breath.

**He leaves in the middle of the day sometimes. I guess doing NOTHING all day can be tiring and he needs to go home because he's "fragile".

**He was supposed to start teaching again this month. He's not ready, apparently. So now he is supposed to start teaching in December. He won't be ready. The shitty thing is, the teacher who they hired to replace him is excellent and she is working month to month not knowing if she will have a job next week. She has been offered better jobs but she stays here because the principal has "asked her to". She stays even though she could be let go at any time. The reality is that B most likely won't teach at all this year. Maybe he will start again when the new school year begins in April. But he will still come in everyday, for "rehabilitation".

**I would understand this "rehabilitation" bullshit if he were actually doing something. Perhaps he can go to some classes and observe. Or team-team with some teachers, to get the hang of it again. Maybe he could create lessons? Anything is better than sitting at your desk all day while everyone around you (including the ALT!) is working. I think it's soul-crushing.

**He leaves the sound up on his computer so everytime he pushes "enter" a little noise is made. Not the normal noise you would expect, he has it set to some cutesy little animal noise. NO ONE wants to hear that shit. Every chance I get, I reach over and turn the volume down. The next day he figures it out and turns it up again.

**The green felt and plastic sheet that covers the top of his desk (do you understand what I mean?) is always in disarray. Like it is never fully on his desk. I straighten it out when he is on his smoke breaks. But then he comes back, pushes on it, and it moves around again. If he had some books or other weight on it, it wouldn't move. But I guess that would require having classes that require textbooks, or students who hand in notebooks.

**He sweats. A LOT. It's October, I'm sitting here with a fleece jacket on and he is sweating profusely. I think it's the 2 minute walk to the smoke room that does it to him. So he has this giant orange sweat towel that he keeps on his desk. Most people keep a small, neatly folded towel in their pocket, or in their desk. Not B. He leaves it in a messy pile and when he wipes his face with it he looks like a stubby sumo wrestler, right before he is about to fight. Nasty. Worst part: he doesn't take it home and clean it. It's always the same sweat towel. Ewwwwwwwww!

**During an English camp a few years ago he was late. He was supposed to pick up another teacher (don't get me started on that tool. Buy a fucking car, you're 30 years old!) from the station but didn't show up. He eventually arrived and then felt the *need* to tell me the reason he was late was that he had diarrhea! JESUS MAN I don't want to know about that! I was so disgusted that I couldn't look him in the face for the rest of the camp.

Well I think that's enough for now.

*I may post photos so you can SEE what I'm bitching about.*

I feel much better.


"S" said...

that was fukin hilarious K. i laughed my arse off. maybe i should stop telling people when i have diarrhea! o, and tell him to buy some drysol if his armpits sweat.

Anonymous said...

Ha! That was the best bitch I have ever read!You have a talent koren!!But i feel very sorry for you...god that must be torture...before you leave you must seek revenge!!!!!!!!maybe soaking his "sweat towel" in vinegar or putting some shoe polish on it,.......


K said...

As you can tell, my hatred has been building for a while. With every passing day I hate him a little bit more.

I'm sure he was once a perfectly normal person.

Paris Is My Ho said...

I feel you.
I have a guy here that didnt come to school at all last year and just started coming a few weeks back. He doesnt teach any classes and sits in the staffroom all day.
We havnt spoken much but he frickin annoys me - falls asleep and makes weird ass noises and shouts on when hes on the computer.
Whateva. But he isn't getting paid so I feel some kinda sympathy fer him cos he aint gettin paid til he starts teachin again.

Where's yer Share Bear power?

Blossom said...

Wow Koren! I know how you feel and I feel soo sorry for you! It irritates me soo much when there is someone around me that doesn't do anything. Oh, stinky people make it way worse! I mean, that is what deodarant and cologne are for,right? well ttyl Love your cuz-Crystal!!!

Emily Watkins said...

I guess I routinely do at least two things on that list. Today I think I read three or four old Daily Yomiuris. But in my defense, I was also keeping an eye out for a photo of President Bush or PM Koizumi for a game with the 3nensei this morning (and ended up going with the Emperor and Empress instead).

Totally get an iPod. Or something similar. I think I'd go crazy if I couldn't stimulate my brain with tunes while correcting 450 summer vacation diary entries. I've been guilty of purchasing electronic gadgets that I stopped using after a month, but the iPod is not one of them.
And if you get it off of the Apple Japan website, you can have it engraved in Japanese and/or English.

Sometimes I'm busy; usually I'm not. But I ask my JTEs every morning if I have class with them, and I make a sad face if I don't... and really, what more can I do?

But then, I like the teacher I sit next to. He's the most charismatic teacher in the school, he answers my questions (in English, when possible), and he keeps his computer on mute.

By the way... what does your sneak sneak?

Lena said...

just read the bitching , i think i know who you are on about !!!
If it is can u believe he has kids , im all grossed out now, yuckie yuckie,
excellent bitching though, you do have a talent i agree,
funny i sit next to his .... , dont have the same problems though, she is really nice, kinda feel sorry for her now ,